This
topic has just been constantly going through my mind, because of people I’ve
ran into, my own experiences, and what has been revealed to me through truth. We live in a society where many dads are out
of the picture, and out of their children’s lives. From experience and knowledge they’re girls
who so desperately need a daddy, a dad, and a father. They need a mommy, a mom, and a mother also,
to comfort and teach what it’s like to be a mom, and a wife. We also need not only an earthly father but we
need our Heavenly Father the one who knows His children the most. So I’m going to dive on in and give you a
snapshot of my experience and my heart and how it felt to go through life
without an earthly dad.
To be
honest I don’t have many memories of my biological dad. Well at least any that is truly good. I remember being a child and wishing I could
be like the other girls that had dads who loved and supported their daughters
in sports or chorus concerts or a dad that just said “I love you” without
having something attached to it. I’ll be
straight out honest I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, I know every family
is not perfect but mine was just very dysfunctional for majority of my life. I grew up in home where we were pushed to be
perfect not in academics but in sports, dance, and looks. For a girl in Elementary school and middle
school going through sports, and dance was difficult. I remember being in t-ball, softball,
volleyball, soccer, and basketball looking out to the stands at the age of 4
and thinking “why aren't my parents here?
Why are all my friends on my team have their parents here and I
don’t?” As a young girl it was
heartbreaking I was pressured to do sports because my biological dad was going
for the NFL, and he played sports all his life.
I didn’t understand how you could pressure someone to do all these
sports and then not come to support, to watch, to cheer, and be proud. In dance for our recitals I remember every
girl getting flowers and their picture taken with their dad’s and mine never
did or came to them. Rewinding to the
past I became a care-giver at a young age, a fixer and a pleaser. I wanted to make my parents happy, and proud. But to me it never seemed “Good enough.” I felt very neglected, abandoned and alone at
a very young age. I lost majority of my
childhood trying to be a mom, a pleaser, and an adult. Let me flat out say that I have forgiven my
biological dad and I love him and pray for restoration and healing in his life
today. If you were to ask me about 3
years ago if I felt that way I would definitely not have said that. My biological dad is an alcoholic, and that’s
all I ever known him to be, and that’s why he missed out on majority of his
children’s life. He chose alcohol over
his wife, children and his own life. I
was easily manipulated into trying to “save him” at the ages of 12-17. I felt guilty I felt sorry for him and I did
not like him but I didn’t want to see him die.
The days I spent with my biological dad I watched him waste his life by drinking
every day and taking pills. My parents
divorced the year of 2010, I was no longer in the house and I had been living
elsewhere at the time. I watched my
biological dad not treat his wife, his children the right way. We lived in a very dark place. We were used, abused, lied to , manipulated
and guilted almost every day of our lives.
As I grew up and got older my desire was for him to say “I’m beautiful,
I love you, and you are enough!” I never
got any of that and if I did there was “I love you but you have to do this for
me and you have to choose me over your mother.”
I heard the words “you are not doing a good enough job” my biological
dad drank quite a lot, but he also worked out about 6x a day. I think sometimes he lied and was secretly drinking;
actually I know he was drinking secretly.
I was shown off when he wanted me to be shown off to his friends or
family members and that’s really when I felt like he loved me but it only
lasted a few hours. In my mind I
couldn’t understand why I kept running back to him its almost felt like there
was this chain that was connected to him, and it didn’t make sense because he
wasn’t a dad but my heart felt that I was responsible for his drinking that I
must of done something wrong… I wasn’t good enough. Those lies I believed for many years.
So in
my life time I seeked for love in all the wrong places. I got into many relationships that got me
into trouble. I truly believed, this
will always be my life all guys are the same.
I was lonely, neglected, abandoned, and I wanted my dad to be a
dad. So 2010 I’m 17 years old living
with another family. I lived with plenty
of families and I tried to have relationships with the dad’s but I was scared
of them, didn’t trust and I didn’t know how to act because to be honest it was
awkward. So 17 years old I actually did
not live far from my actual house and my biological mom had left with my other
siblings and my biological dad was left alone.
I snuck in the house knowing he was passed out on the couch his room or
on the floor he had a cycle he lost most of his jobs due to going to work drunk
and he had great jobs but he let them go to waste. At this point he just lost his job, his wife,
he lost his kids a long time ago, and he lost himself. The routine was he would wake up at 6am start
drinking by 10am he passed out he would wake up at 3pm take some pills to sleep
and drink, wake up 5-6 go get more alcohol and would eat a little and then
drink again and pass out. Truth was he
was a hurting man, and a broken man who had no hope. So I would sneak in the house periodically
knowing he was not awake to check to make sure he was still alive. To watch your biological dad give up on life
and cope in the unhealthiest way is the most stomach twisting, exhausting, and
heartbreaking experience to watch. So he
ended up losing the house and moved to an apartment downtown where we
lived. I’ll never forget turning 18 not
seeing my family on my birthday or the last few months. My friend and I were sitting across the
street from my biological dad’s apartment which I didn’t really know he lived
there at the time and I saw him carrying his 24 back of Bud light into his
place. To myself I thought my own
biological dad is drinking on the day I was born and I never got a happy
birthday from him. Once again I wasn’t
good enough, he didn’t love me. So not
long after my birthday he was sent to rehab.
I started college and I still felt bad for him. He was alone no one to support him and I felt
like it was still my job to fix him.
This was a sick manipulation game that I fell into. I was pulled into believing the lies that he
had told me that my biological mom never loved me, that I had to be on his side
and he will give me anything I wanted.
My biological dad could buy me anything with the money he really didn’t
have but that was love to him. He only
loved me if I sided with him and helped him.
He became mean after a while, rehab was doing nothing for him because he
was still drinking, and I became sick and exhausted. So I finally stopped all communication I
stopped seeing him I stopped wanting to see him. I realized he would always be the same unless
he was truly saved by Jesus. Was it hard
yes, and I had fallen in my trap where I started believing lies that I had to
help and fix him.
So
nineteen years old I realized that I believed that all of me belonged to my
biological dad. He owned me and that he
had control over me. But truth was I
didn’t belong to him and I had the choice to let him control me. Easy to say, hard to do. I have had struggles still do but I was 19
struggling with life and realizing I really wanted a mom but I wanted a dad and
I needed a father. At 19 by Gods divine
plan for my life he gave me a dad. A new
dad who loved Jesus, his wife, and his children. To be honest it was not easy to accept I had
trust issues, I had insecurities and fears but God had a plan to make my
adopted dad my dad. I was given a family
who wanted to be part of my life. Crazy
but God gave me a dad and a dad who would actually talk to me, who cared for
me, and would drive me crazy at times. He
loves me for me and wants to protect, guide, and treat me like an actual
daughter. My adopted dad has easily
become one of my favorite people here on earth, but it’s like I’ve known him my
whole life. He definitely is patient
with me and my struggles but he is the most loving, gentle, caring man I have
ever met. God gave me a second chance to
see what a true man of God is like, and what a dad should be like. I was given a chance to begin to trust a man
and he was the first man on this earth that I have ever trusted. I can actually give him hugs and not feel
awkward and when he says “I love you” I know he means it with nothing attached
to it. I’ve watched my God given dad be
a husband and he loves his wife, and would do anything for her and loves her
unconditionally. I’ve watched my adopted
dad unconditionally love his children even though we drive him nuts, he would
drop anything to help us. My adopted
parents are my biggest supporters in what I do and the ones who I can share my
crazy idea’s or my heart. My memorable
moment was probably the first time he ever said “you are beautiful” those words
from a dad are just like “hello I need a box of tissues.” Those words are so profound and so imaginably
crazy to hear because those words I never heard growing up. We are two peas in a pod…. Literally we are
identical in many ways and I kind of look like him. The most special thing he was willing to do
was giving me his last name. Never in my
lifetime would I ever expect anything like that to happen. So August 20th, 2013 I became
Brittany Nicole Naylor. Every day I
learn something new and every day I grow closer to who I call my dad. It is not a perfect relationship but if there
is anyone besides my adopted mother I would want to be, I want to be like
him. He has shown me what love of a
father is like he has shown leadership, and compassion, and to grow in
Christ. He is my dad and I love him and
I am beyond blessed that God placed this man in my life to be my dad.
So my
last point. I look back at my life at
the age of 21 and can say that I had a Heavenly Father watching over me all
these years, actually my whole life. All
those years I felt alone, abandoned, neglected, not good enough, He was their
holding me in the palm of His hands. He
had a divine plan and purpose and knew that my adopted dad was going to be my
dad and be an example of Christ. I can’t
explain why my biological dad did what he did and it’s not my place to figure
it out, I’ve spent a good chunk of life trying to understand it and I have to
just lay at the cross into Jesus hand’s.
He knows. I can’t help but think
of Psalms 139 Jesus knew me before and knows me now and has seen me in the
darkness of life and yet he chose this life for me and chose to Redeem,
restore, and give me a dad. I also know
I don’t belong to my biological dad, I don’t belong to my adopted dad, but I
belong to my Heavenly Daddy. He knows me
the most who has given me strength, new eyes, and a new life. God knew though that I needed an example of
a father to teach, pray and to guide his daughter the right direction. I truly believe God gave me my dad so I know
what my husband should be like, and a father to my children if that is God’s
plans. I cannot wait to face my Heavenly
Father and to hug him and to thank Him to know He’s loved me all this time
through the dark times but through my sins, and to give me a second chance not
just with a new dad but with a new life.
I have a crazy story but God’s never given up on me and He never
will. My earthly daddy I know even
through my dark and my hard times he would never give up on me either. Thanking God for allowing me to experience
that. Daughters need a dad, to be an
example of a Man, and to know what protection and comfort and guidance is
like. Daughters need their Heavenly
Father to trust, to find comfort, peace, and truth. My new life, my new adopted family has given
me the ability to heal, to regain trust, to love, and to forgive the brokenness
from the years. And at this moment all I
can do is thank Jesus for accepting me as His daughter and for blessing me with
an earthly dad who has accepted me as his daughter also.
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